Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
