well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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