I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
