in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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