Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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