so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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