I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
