Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
