Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
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