Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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