Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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