You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
