I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
