Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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