You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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