I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
