So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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