You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
