There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
