its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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