ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
