just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
