The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
