If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
