My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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