saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize