I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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