I'm gonna have a badass scar
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
