Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
