my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i drank out of a bidet.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
