tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
