My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
