We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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