I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize