There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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