I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
