What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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