My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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