i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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