I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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