He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
