my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
