2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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