ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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