please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize