i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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