is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
