my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
