the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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