one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
