No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
