I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
