I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Welp...herpes.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
