Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
