Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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