My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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