I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
