I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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