Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
