It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
