Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
