i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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