so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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