it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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