he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
