why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
