I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
