you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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