New invention idea: vibrating tampons
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
